Counting down to confinement

My confinement period is coming to an end..aunty is going back soon.
Really having mixed feelings..looking forward to going to my mum place...cos afterall i feel more ease there..my mil has been very good to me..she bought me all the expensive veg/fish/meat for aunty to cook for me..each week can totalled up to a few hundred dollars..she been very nice to me so far..even helping me to clear the plates i eat..doing the even very easy task for me. But i dont know why i still hvnt adap to living tog with her..prob bec im not someone that can easily adapt to new people and env around me..i perhaps like to stay in my own world..really miss the time when me and hb hv the whole house n world to ourselves...of course by saying that, it doesnt means we dont like olivia..we love her..n we welcome her..just tht theres a lot of new adjustments to be made...like mil staying in with us. the feeling is different..the house dont seems to belong to me..in fact, i feel the most comfortable time was in the day time when only olivia me and aunty at home..and at nite when i stay in the room watching tv myself..in fact i feel hapi when mil went out for mahjong or activities...am i very bad? or im just not used to it. I even hv the question in my heart, will olivia only loves his gdma next time (when my mil take over to take care of her)..will she dont love me..will she call her first.? Books always say, bb can feel the mother n feel very comfortable when mummy carries her..but i cant feel it leh, even when i carry she can also cry very loudly..i even wonders, istz she dont like me..


It has been one month now..a lot of things really change..even towards my hb..i feel lesser of the sparks n romance..everything just revolves around olivia..whether she has poo..whether did she drink enuff..i told my hb..i dont like the plain feeling..he tried his very best to accomodate to my needs..but i just simply couldnt feel what we once hv during courtship..silly isnt it, already married still remiscing the courtship period..sometimes..i couldnt help but to just only answer to what he asked me over the phone n remaining silence rest of the time..dont feel like talking more..

Aunty going bk soon..i hope i will know what my bb wants after she left..she seems to be the only one in this world tht understd what olivia wants..im so scared i cant meet her needs after aunty left...i just hv to be strong n tell myself i can do it..i can take care olivia myself..


after confinement, finally, i can bath as normal..wash hair at anytime..wear sleevless singlets..on aircon..let the fan blow me direct...these are the super inconveniences i encounteered n i hate it the most during confinement....i find some rules very stupid..i know by disobeying, i can hv prob when im old..but i really cant follow..im very HOT..i can get stroke u know..i never ever sweat so much in my life before i thk...this is esp when im bf..bb is hot..im also hot..

Now, my everyday task is to pump feed pump feed my ger..if i dont pump..i will get engorgement.., if i dont pump..it will drips n wets my blouse..i wonder how am i supposed to go shopping next time..mus i really restrict myself to the few hours outside n hv to rush home by certain time? i couldnt possible bring a pump out right..this is really inconvenient..but wat to do..or the sake of my bb..i want her to get the best nutrients....this thur im going bk office to distribute full mths cakes to my colleagues, i told my khaki, ps help me with it, i got to rush home asap..before it drips again...

ChAoS

I was feeling very happy excited after giving birth to Olivia...however, my mood has a big change once I was discharged from hospital...I dont really know why...

Everything was still alright in the day and I only started to feel different in the evening..i was waiting for the confinement auntie to arrive, but before she arrived, everything was like chaos..and mother in law kept asking me to lie down n rest..rest n rest..but how can i do it? i was worry for the baby..not only that the weather was hot..and I couldnt stand the warm body, the sweating..and the rule that disallow us to bath...I was stress over the milk supply for my baby.. I wanted to breastfeed her, but my supply hasnt come in yet..and as a first time mother, I was nervous..I wanted to giv my ger the best..but my body did not allow me to....I was afraid that she be hungry...i gotten 7 bottles of similac from the hospital...and i thought by the time i finish these milk, my supply should has arrived...(as told by my colleagues)..but its not..its not enough.

I was very upset and stress and it isnt easy for me facing the new additions to my house, im not talking about my baby,...but the confiement auntie and my mother in law...she is really staying in now..its no longer me and my hubby's world. During my dinner time, my mil commented on ":why dont i wear a long pants, others do so during confinement u know". I know she meant to be good for me, but I totally break down in tears after hearing this..I cos to me, i feel im being controlled..restricted..and im already very mentally stressful and hot...so her words give me more stress...i couldnt control myself..i break down in tears..i thk she saw it..i went into the kitchen..and she follows in to see what happen..i know it was embarrassing..but my tears couldnt stop flowing..my hb ask her to stop restricitng me from this n that..and tell her that, i will know what is best for me..n seek her understanding that im very stressful now..She didnt comment on me anymore after that..At night, i didnt sleep well..i kept hearing bb cries..(and indeed she did cry once every hour)...and when i finally fall asleep, i dreamt of bb cries,kid laughing at me..and my mil voices...i tried to call my hb..but i couldnt move...after much struggling then i managed to wak up...crying in front of my hb..

My emotional state continues..we brought bb for check up at PD the next day. Pd want us to bring bb for jaundice blood test at polyclinic..I didnt know checking for jaundice means blood test..and when i saw the lab guy poke my baby and my baby cry n cry...my heart is so painful...this is the first time i ever encounter n feel that way..i coudnt control myself, my tears flow..i can feel the pain in my bb..perhaps this is call motherly instinct, me and baby are connected. The results is 195..doc wan us to sun the baby...and do another blood test few days later.

I couldnt stop crying whenever i hear my family members's voice over the phone..im very insecured and wheneever i hear their voice..i feel so comfortable and emotional..

Few days later, bb went for the next blood test, we thought her condiiton will improved..but didnt expect it to worsen. This time, i dont dare to go into the room to see how they poke my bb, but according to my hb, she didnt cry this time round, cos it was an experienced lab lady who do it. The result is 250.. I was shocked, we immediately call the pd and was advised to send bb to Mount Alvernia Hospital for phototheraphy for two days..i was so upset that my baby will be away from me..n im very worried abt her condiiton.

For that two days, I didnt rest well, I was so mentally strained..we went visit bb twice a day..i either pump out milk and feed her in the hospital or i let her latch on. Everytime i see her, n carry her, i cant bear to put her back...she feel so secured in my arms..i couldnt stop crying when i see her..i stayed till very late in the nursery room staring at her..the nurse asked me to go home n rest...n she promised will feed her aft we left...wan us not to worry..

After one day, bb blood test results show that there isnt great improvement...we are so disappointed n worried that she couldnt discharge the next day. However, early in the morning, we received a good news from the doc that her condition improve a lot and she can be discharge. Nothing can be happier that that feeling..me and hb are so happy...we immediately packed bb stuffs and fetch her back from the hospital..

After we are home, we make sure she get well taken care off and i bring her downstairs to sun every day till now..

Today, shes still a bit yellow..and pd said continue to sun her and if she still doesnt recover by full month, will do a liver test on her. Breast milk is also one reason that delays the process of recovering..In order to speed up her recovery process, we decided to stop her from drinking breastmilk for 3 days, and hopes that her condition will improved. Hopes she still remb how to latch on after three days later.

An Adventurous and Memorable 20 Mar 2009

Finally get a chance to blog.

Olivia is born on 20/03/09 at 1842pm at Thomson Medical Centre.

Remember, I wrote in my previous blog that there was a decision made by Dr Chan? And Yes, she wanted to induce my labour if I still dont feel anything in the next two days before Fri (20/3). And she decided the date that my bb will be born. I actually wanted to choose the next day 18/3 so that it be the same as my date of birth(tho month is diff), but since Dr Chan chose 20/3 and its not too rush, I let it be 20/3 bah.

I was ask to check in to TMC as early as 7am in the morning. So I wake up at 5.30am to bath and wash my hair. I did not eat anything cos if there is a need to carry out c section, food will be a disruption. I was so nervous that I didnt sleep the whole night. I went directly to Level 2 Delivery Suite. They bring me to a room(they call it the delivery suite), while my hb went to do the administrative stuffs. They made me change and they insert some liquid to make me clear my bowel. That liquid is really effective...and fast. Thereafter, its a long waiting process...Tho the tv was on, but I have no mood to watch at all cos im very uncomfortable lying there paralysed....everything got to be done on the bed..eating and even pee..(before they insert tubing for me). First, they withdraw three tubes of blood for me for the cord donation, n they directly start the glucouse and drugs drip to induce my labour. So my left hand was occupied. And then, they tie my adomen for the ctg scan. More to be describe later.

Dr Chan came at 8am (before her clinc open), she need to break the waterbag to see if the water is clear or gloomy, if its gloomy, then c section has to be done, cos it means bb hv pass motion inside. Dr Chan ask for the laughing gas for me, cos i stil hesistates whet to start epidural at such early time. She ask me breathe in and out several times before she start, during the process, she asked many times if i feel anything, if i feel HIGH, SLEEPY...but seriously, i dont feel anything, it doesnt has any effects on me at all. Bobian, she got to start the breaking of waterbag. OMG, as my V is stil very tight, she got to go all the way in to break the bag, and the feeling is TERRIBLE...i must say this is the worst pain during the whole labour porocess. Its painful, i was struggling....but it was done in a min time. Water began to gush out in a few times....and i was so shocked everytime it gushed out..(i ket teling my hb, i feel wet wet wet..ask the nurse to come)....

The nurse continue to ask if i want epidural..cos they need to contact the anathesia and it need time..i dont know wat to expect..and im scared.so i say okie okie.start epidural before pain comes..in less than half hr, Dr YC BEH came. I remb his name was specialy indicated in my admission ltr by Dr Chan. And phew, thanks for her great recommendation, Dr Beh is such a nice doctor...he promised that the pain is just like how they insert needles for the glucouse drip..and its true. I dont feel much pain..and very comfortable..not even the cooling effect. He also said that its not true that once u move, u be paralysed....im so heng.

So now my spine has a tubing that conects to the epidural...and on my right hand, they tie the blood presure scan on it..So both my hands and n spine are all with tubing or scan...including the adomen. Not only that, theres another tubing at the bottom to collect my urine. How am i suposed to move? Moving left to right is also difficult n need much efforts.

Dr Chan allowed me to take breakfast, lunch..n i finish all..inorder to hv energy...Lunch need my hb to feed me. Thereafter its waiting n waiting with nurses coming in every now n then. At about noon, i started to feel something at the lower part of my adomen...i cant be sure if thts contraction...cos ep is already on...the pain gets stronger n stronger..i feedbk to my hb and then to the nurse..to realise the contraction is at the peak now. As ep is on very low..hence, i will still feel the pain. Nurse chk my dialation and realised its opening from 2cm to 5cm..they on the ep to the highest...from then on, my leg began to feel weaker n weaker..n numb. Pain disapear too.i cant feel any pain alredy.

Dr chan predicted that i can only the labour from 4pm onwards, as its my first bb..and i thoughti can began ealrier, since its open to 5cm at such fast speed...i tot im the lucky ones..but nurses say, No, Dr chan alw predict correctly. She came again, to chk diaaltion...at 4pm, still not fuly dialated..but she wan me to rest well and joking w me that, later at 5pm, u got to start WORKING...(meaning pushing).

Nurses came in n out...dialation seems to slow down, im still not ready even at 5pm, 6pm..i tried to push, but still not ready...nurses went to other room to help other patients alreadi..since im not ready..i kept hearing bb cries in this n that room..n i wonder, when is my turn.

At about 6plus...nurses really get me push very hard..but i don feel any urge to push.cos my legs are totaly numb..not even able to hold on to the stand well...they can feel the bb head..but i hv to push before she can be out. Dr Chan came, and she really get me started...we tried many times to no avail. Whenever they saw contraction on the ctg monitoring chart, tey ask me to push...cos i cant feeel anything. Dr chan kept asking if i feel anyting.feeel presure.but i really feel nothing. Teey hv reduce the ep dosage from 8 to 4 but i still feelnothing, bec the ep is already in my body..i cant even feel any contraction. or pain. She decided to use vacum suck, bec she noticed that bb heartbeat is reducing..everytime got contractions.they put a green piece of cloth in front of me..n dr chan have a smal equipment on her hand, n she told me that the nurses wil help me to push my tumy..n everyone shouted Push Push, including my hb...haaa.i tried really hard, but got some reserves(cos im afraid to pass bowel out,it be embarrasing, cos i really hv the urge)...n in spilt seconds, i feel a strong power and something zoom out from my tummy onto the green cloth...its an amazing power n feeling...all of a sudden, i see Olivia in front of me..and her eyes are open..and she began to cry. Duing the last stage of labour when i coudlnt get Olivia out despite much pushing, i was realy demoralised and nervous, im afraid they may send me for c section..i cried in fact...but when Dr Chan came in, i try to hold bk my tears(cos paiseh mah).

Finally Olivia is out..what a relief...the feeling is realy amazing n i dont know how to describe. I didnt cry, but i feel a total relief...and the nurses inserted some tubing to her nose n shortly, they carry bb over..and they ask my hb to chk bb tag n go out. Dr Chan began to start her stitching...and she ask me to rest n dont thk so much. I feel very cold...n i trembles again....

After done, they carry bb back to me and let me cudle n cary her...she cry at times again...veri fierce.me and hb dont kn what to do...we pacified her..but to no avail at times...we just wait in the room for some time.before they take a pic for us and send me back to my room at 624A.

Im not the last case for Dr Chan, it seems that she has one or two more case aft me. Dr's life is really not easy hor.

During my labour, my sis n coleagues msg me a lot of times asking for progress...my hb has been helping me to reply. Even before my labour was over, my family already waiting at lvl 6 for me..when they are pushing us back..i can see my bb eyes is looking around curiously...and quietly...esp when the nurse push really fast. When i reach lvl 6, i saw most of my family members there, im so touched actually. Mum, Dad, Sis, Bro in Law, Big aunt,Uncle Andrew, my lovely Kenson and my mother in law are already waiting for me. They take a glimpse at Olivia and then, they send Olivia back to nursey to wash up.

I feel quite energetic actually.I finish my dinner...everything..cos im so hungry. nd i chatted with eveyrone..dont feel tired at all...hb and mil waited till 11.30 to see bb again...then they went off after that. Nurses continue to drop by eveyr now n then to chk on me.change for me etc...n send bb to me for breastfeeding...i dont know how to breastfeed, but the nurses taught me and then jus leave bb with me leh...n they go off...omg,i dont know how to..but bb manage to suckle aft some practices.

Thats my adventurous and exciting 20 Mar 2009. I will never forget this day.

Updates

Mummy weigh at 69.6kg last week and 69.8kg this week...it drops then rise by a bit.

Talking about last week check up, bb looks fine, fluid level is okie, weight is okie, only concern is my weight seems to drop, so have to monitor closely..doc gave me another 5 more days before the next check up to see hows baby progress. She seems to be worried when I say bb movements dont seem to be great as before.

Yesterday, i was scheduled for a check up again, and she made a decision.
BB is now almost 3.3kg. I had a ctg scan again, bb heartbeat is okie, I know that she is having hicups when she was being monitored...even the nurse can tell, shes very active during the scan, cos i can sense that shes moving n moving. But my abdomen also continues to tighten n tighten during the scan. When the report is out, doc saw the contractions is pretty strong, but she ask if i hv any pain, and is suprised that I have no pain at all. Perhpas its still not the real contraction yet. She checked for my dialation, omg, its so painful, i didint expect it to be that painful.....bb is half engaged...i can see the hair and the ear from the scan. Bb fluid is running low...now is about 50 plus..it has dropped from 90plus to 50plus..anything below 50 need immediate attention. Hence, she made a decision for me. Meanwhile, she wants me to closely monitor the movement of the baby, once I sense something wrong, i have to admit immediately.

Its really scary n nervous indeed...now i took mc to rest at home till i deliver..
Thinking of the delivery process really make me scared..hubby say he be with me..I will be strong for my ger...n him...Its a process all women goes through in their life, and Im sure I can do it too....

I feel that my sister and my mum always think that Im childish, ask silly questions...and very stingy..but i feel that they dont understand me..why should we be so conscious even when talking to our own family members...they feel that I never think before I talk..but if i find theres a need to ask certain question to make myself fully prepared, I will ask, if i know i dont need to ask, but they feel thats very silly question..They always looks down on me...they didnt know they are destroying my confidence level. I never have problem communicating with my colleagues..we all have the same frequency..and they never ever find that the question i ask is silly. I had a quarrel with my mum last night over the phone..shes lecturing me, yet she said she is not..she always say one and yet say she dont mean that. I was very upset after the conversation with her..i ask my hb if im in any wrong..he say i am not, and he want me not to be affected by what others say, and to be confidence in myself. I feel that my mum and sis are all the same, they dont understand me...only my gdma is..she dotes me, and she show her concern to me and she sides me too. However, shes a very sensitive person, so nowsdays i have to be careful when i talk to her also, cos theres something she will feel upset after hearing that, shes easily affected..so i have to think before i say..smtimes i even hv to tell white lies. My mil wanted so much to pick bb up when she is discharged, but i also wanted my mum to come along..after the quarrel, i think i shall not insist..she might be busy looking after my sis kids afterall. It really upsets me.

Weekly affair

Now medical apts become a weekly affair..an important event that I looked forward to.

Bb Olivia is now 2.97kg. Mummy is 69.7kg.

Im suprised that I didnt increase a lot of weight over the week...and im a bit disappointed that bb didnt gained much weight either. Her growth seems to slow down. That is why, Dr Chan ask me to do a ctg scanning yesterday before seeing her...just to ensure bb heart beat is okie..and she is fine.
Through the ctg scanning..she also detected that I have mild contractions already..they call it tightening of adomen but I cant feel anything actually...so still fine..not verge of delivering..

to be continue....daddy is picking me up now...6.31pm (office)

My bp continues to climb...so doc might resort to inducing the baby instead of waiting for the bb to come out naturally...that means I might have one or maximum two weekends to go...I hopes bb wait till daddy finish his reservice first...I will have to stay at my mum place from mon to wed, cos daddy going outbound field and wont be coming home. I hope bb dont come out in these few days...so long never sleep at my mum place, not sure if i can still sleep well there. Need my dad to send me to work next week..however, i got to make my way home myself..thinking of the bus trip makes me terrible...taking cab during peak hours is too expensive..and still got to queue up...sianz...

I enjoyed myself with dear today..just in case its my last weekend before bb is out.. Cos once bb is out..i supposed i wont be having that much freedom, and i hv to be confined at home for a very long period of time. We went for tim sum breakfast cum lunch at tahman jurong(superbowl area), suprisingly, the tim sum tastes very nice...thereafter, we have a look at the Caspian's showroom out of curiousity..we wondered why is it so popular..dear is very keen, however, dont think its the right time for us to enter the market yet...cos we just bought our executive flat.

Subsequently, we went bugis junction to shop around. And also to pray at bugis temple.

Its a long day for us..but very enjoying.

Had a short conversation with my sis over the phone, however it ended unpleasantly as usual. I dont understand why is it that we can never communicate well. We went merchant court for buffet dinner together last week and my hb paid for it in advance. It was agreed that we went on dutch, and we spilt the costs for our parents who came along. But when it comes to settling the bill after a week time, she asked, y cant I treat her instead...I dont understand y should I since that is the agreed method of settling the bil in the first place..it isnt very cheap either...so she began to criticse me for being very NIAO...hinting that I do not know how to zhuo ren..and continue saying that she has given me so many things, even some baby's gifts where her friends gave it to her but she dont even bear to let her child wear..yet she gave it to me..etc..omg, from what i can remember, theres only two gift box and some blankets which i not sure how new is it, but i didnt force her to give me, i didnt demand for it either..and anyway there isntn a lot of new things also..most of it are old clothes pass down from her son who is now 9 mths old But she just wana claim credit for it..and put all the blame on me.I really cannot stand her. When she was pregnant, she scolded me whenever we argue..i kept quiet..bec i dont wan to agitate her..i suffer in silence and i cry in the room..but when im pregnant, she never ever give way to me, she just continues to agitate me..and even quarrel with me just like wat happen just now. She always thk she is right and Im wrong...im forever being step by her....In fact, i didnt forget what happen a few weeks ago, when i told my mum i need to stay at her house during my 2nd and third mth of materntiy leave..i just need her to be around just in case, cos i cant stay at home alone with my baby, cos im not familar and good at taking care of bb yet...but sis is unhappy,tho she never tell me direct, she afraid that i might overload her maid. But i already repeated myself many times, i will do everything myself...okie,i admit indirectly i mght affect her..so i already promised to give her some token of appreciation as requested by my sis..so as to make the maid feel better.wats more does she want...but i know she is stil unhappy, cos i sort of overheard her conversation with my mum when my mum wana side with me. I cannot imagine how selfish she is...tho she always claim to be very helpful and good to me...she shld know that its difficult for me to manage alone at home myself..yet she is still very reluctant for me to move back home. She even have a suggestion for her mother in law to stay at her house to look after her kids (meaning, she move her kids back home from my mum's place)...isnt that an obvious sign of selfishness. I cant blame her, cos when it comes to own kids, everyone is selfish. Its just that I didnt know that the same goes for sliblings..n its so contrast from the image she been potraying all the while. Yet now, she still wan to contiue claiming credit for a lot of things..she wan me to feel indebted to her...but i dont want to. Its not that I cant afford to buy my bb stuff..y shld i depend on her..its her who wana pass me the stuffs willigly.

Really very upset...one day when im not around, will she ever regret what she has been doing to me. Or perhaps, she still think she is always right..and im still forever wrong..Im always seen as very silly in her eyes...now and forever..

Updates

Baby is now 2.89kg..and Im a step nearer to the mark of 70kg...a total weight gain of 16kg so far...tummy getting bigger and bigger..walking getting harder n harder....more n more tired..how i hope i can stop work now n rest...feel like sleeping throughout the two days course i attended in the office on thur n fri.


Dr Chan est to deliver the bb in mid mar. induce or not? not sure..if bb can come naturally, thts the best..and what i wanted also. My bp is not high, but dr say its climbing...she est sugar lvl will climbs also...so she dont wan to risk any possible complications..since i already hold bb for so long..wats the extra two weeks more. However, she cfm thats theres still sufficient fluid inside for bb..i guess it also means bb still hv some more space..she hasnt engaged..dr chan again est mebi two wks more b4 she get engaged..but a bit contrary with what she told me the previous time.haaa.thk she forgotten wat she said..two wks ago, she say, bb shld be engage in the next week..but already two wks gone..n she now say mebi another two wks.haaa


anyway, bb again uses her hand to block her face...dont let me see her again..
but her hand very ba ba...as commented by dr chan. Dr Chan is satisfied with her weight, and she say bb is almost ready to come out n see us.


My toothache is causing me prob now..dr chan wanted me to settle it all at once..even if theres a need for extraction, just go ahead. One of the dentists quite worri to do extraction during my third trim, cos he scad w induce labour..so i told gyne abt it. Dr Chan sounds a bit doubtful with what the dentist said...anyway she commented, if it induce, laobur, then come in lor..anyway its abt time also..its better than having all pains ,tooth pain, labour pain and later breast pain...haa...quite true indeed..So I seek a second opinion, my long time dentist Dr Loh, she hard to make apt with, but heng, after a conversaton with her over the phone, she understd my urgency and agreee to slot me in today..she believed tht there shldb be a prob with extraction...just tht im wori abt lossing another tooth..(tho its at the back..the very last one cause by wisom tooth prob previously..)..i shall see what she advised bah...scad scad...3 more hrs to go...

My Valentine Day

Last Sat is Valentine day..my first val day after I'm married...


Didnt expect a lot, cos its just seems to be any other normal day...dont feel like gonig outside for dinner also, cos its be very expensive..

But quite glad that dear actually ordered flowers for me before I mentioned about it. Hes usually a bit slow in such thing..but this time, he seems to be faster...(prob also bec someone from his company actually went around n take orders).

In the evening, we actually cook ourselves. The theme is western food..our main course is chicken chop with baked potatoes, asparagas, campbell soup, fruit juice and our fav icekachang.

We took about two hr to prepare.....its qutie fun afterall...and its cheap.haaa

The chicken chop turned up to be a bit hard...but still eatable lah...potatoes are nice..we had a very fulfiling meal.

The only thing I dont like is that my hb went off to do the cleaning up after the meal...leaving me alone untill late at night..cant blame him cos he need to clean up mah...but by the time he finish his work..its already late. So I requested him to spend some time with me in the living room watching dvd..with aircon on....and eating our icekachang together....