ChAoS

I was feeling very happy excited after giving birth to Olivia...however, my mood has a big change once I was discharged from hospital...I dont really know why...

Everything was still alright in the day and I only started to feel different in the evening..i was waiting for the confinement auntie to arrive, but before she arrived, everything was like chaos..and mother in law kept asking me to lie down n rest..rest n rest..but how can i do it? i was worry for the baby..not only that the weather was hot..and I couldnt stand the warm body, the sweating..and the rule that disallow us to bath...I was stress over the milk supply for my baby.. I wanted to breastfeed her, but my supply hasnt come in yet..and as a first time mother, I was nervous..I wanted to giv my ger the best..but my body did not allow me to....I was afraid that she be hungry...i gotten 7 bottles of similac from the hospital...and i thought by the time i finish these milk, my supply should has arrived...(as told by my colleagues)..but its not..its not enough.

I was very upset and stress and it isnt easy for me facing the new additions to my house, im not talking about my baby,...but the confiement auntie and my mother in law...she is really staying in now..its no longer me and my hubby's world. During my dinner time, my mil commented on ":why dont i wear a long pants, others do so during confinement u know". I know she meant to be good for me, but I totally break down in tears after hearing this..I cos to me, i feel im being controlled..restricted..and im already very mentally stressful and hot...so her words give me more stress...i couldnt control myself..i break down in tears..i thk she saw it..i went into the kitchen..and she follows in to see what happen..i know it was embarrassing..but my tears couldnt stop flowing..my hb ask her to stop restricitng me from this n that..and tell her that, i will know what is best for me..n seek her understanding that im very stressful now..She didnt comment on me anymore after that..At night, i didnt sleep well..i kept hearing bb cries..(and indeed she did cry once every hour)...and when i finally fall asleep, i dreamt of bb cries,kid laughing at me..and my mil voices...i tried to call my hb..but i couldnt move...after much struggling then i managed to wak up...crying in front of my hb..

My emotional state continues..we brought bb for check up at PD the next day. Pd want us to bring bb for jaundice blood test at polyclinic..I didnt know checking for jaundice means blood test..and when i saw the lab guy poke my baby and my baby cry n cry...my heart is so painful...this is the first time i ever encounter n feel that way..i coudnt control myself, my tears flow..i can feel the pain in my bb..perhaps this is call motherly instinct, me and baby are connected. The results is 195..doc wan us to sun the baby...and do another blood test few days later.

I couldnt stop crying whenever i hear my family members's voice over the phone..im very insecured and wheneever i hear their voice..i feel so comfortable and emotional..

Few days later, bb went for the next blood test, we thought her condiiton will improved..but didnt expect it to worsen. This time, i dont dare to go into the room to see how they poke my bb, but according to my hb, she didnt cry this time round, cos it was an experienced lab lady who do it. The result is 250.. I was shocked, we immediately call the pd and was advised to send bb to Mount Alvernia Hospital for phototheraphy for two days..i was so upset that my baby will be away from me..n im very worried abt her condiiton.

For that two days, I didnt rest well, I was so mentally strained..we went visit bb twice a day..i either pump out milk and feed her in the hospital or i let her latch on. Everytime i see her, n carry her, i cant bear to put her back...she feel so secured in my arms..i couldnt stop crying when i see her..i stayed till very late in the nursery room staring at her..the nurse asked me to go home n rest...n she promised will feed her aft we left...wan us not to worry..

After one day, bb blood test results show that there isnt great improvement...we are so disappointed n worried that she couldnt discharge the next day. However, early in the morning, we received a good news from the doc that her condition improve a lot and she can be discharge. Nothing can be happier that that feeling..me and hb are so happy...we immediately packed bb stuffs and fetch her back from the hospital..

After we are home, we make sure she get well taken care off and i bring her downstairs to sun every day till now..

Today, shes still a bit yellow..and pd said continue to sun her and if she still doesnt recover by full month, will do a liver test on her. Breast milk is also one reason that delays the process of recovering..In order to speed up her recovery process, we decided to stop her from drinking breastmilk for 3 days, and hopes that her condition will improved. Hopes she still remb how to latch on after three days later.